I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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