OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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