I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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