Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
