i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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