you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
