everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
