I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
