that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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