I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
