What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
