I wish I could teleport
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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