Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
