I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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