I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
