I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
