My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
