I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
