Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
