you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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