Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
