I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize