Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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