So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
