So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
