her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize