She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
