this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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