if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Let's get the cat blown out
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
