The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
