You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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