Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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