eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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