The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
