I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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