dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
