The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
