I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize