he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
