but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
