I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
