My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
