dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
