If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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