i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
