dude i'm inner monologue high
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
