Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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