I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
