Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Sorry about my life...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize