while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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