i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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