my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
