It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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