worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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