Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
