You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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