I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You peed on a flamingo?!?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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