Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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