I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
