Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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