I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
