the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
